They fight all the time and see them live in harmony seems unthinkable. However, parents can help siblings to negotiate a cease-fire.Contents of this article
- Originally, the rivalry between siblings
- Cause reaction of parents
- Put words to their emotions
- Intervene to violence
- Interest in each of them separately
- Give loving attention
"It's exhausting, sighs Laurène, mother of Laurie, 13, and Tanguy, 9 years old. Not a uneventful meal, not an output which turns to confrontation. And I, tense, which watches the moment skid . " Distraught, she feels guilty about the hostility that both occur. "I surely mismanaged their conflict when they were little, and today they continue to settle their accounts."
Pierre, he wondered whether the brothers-sisters relationships are not inherently doomed to failure. "I see happen again in my two son of 15 and 14 years of behavior and a form of violence I have known a child, with my older brother. Since then I have never had a good relationship with him."
It's a fact: the rivalry between siblings rises at the birth of the second child. At the jealousy of the elder, annoyed of being robbed of his only child site is added later impotence cadet to par with the great, and each new birth is the occasion of new rivalries.
That's enough to power fights and bickering from an early age and sometimes for long. "Laurie is very good at pushing his brother to end. She slips incessantly small annoyances that have the air of nothing but Tanguy explodes and it ends with screams and blows!" Laurène sees the extension "in words" pinching and other small Laurie abuse has done to his brother when he was a newborn.
"Everything is a pretext for disputes, regrets Valerie. When Caroline pretends to pass the threshold of Quentin's room, we are living a real tragedy and screams, threats and swearing are a measure of the event." As for Peter, he expresses concern about excess fights between his two sons: "I sometimes feel that they are irreconcilable."
But child psychiatrist Marcel Rufo according to this mode of relationship amid "war physical, emotional and verbal," own siblings, if violent, is not synonymous with hate. Most of these events are only there to attract the attention of parents. A displayed rivalry that has no other purpose than to cause their reaction. "When Laurie was aggressive towards his brother, I feel that it tests how I react if I take defense Tanguy, she redoubles aggressiveness, imagining being the unloved. The worst I can do is to get angry! "
If trainer to give them the opportunity to resolve alone their "small disputes", children have the right to mediation by an adult when things fester. Nothing more soothing than to put words to their emotions, recognizing everyone the reasons for his anger: "You did not want her to come to your room, you needed to be alone and concentrate And you. did not intend to disturb, but just needs his help. One and the other, you have reason to be angry or upset, it's normal! "
For this explanation, each child has the feeling that the problem is recognized, at the same time he can understand the position of the brother or sister. Once communication is restored, the children are able to find a solution to their conflict and reconciliation is possible without the presence of adults.
"Sometimes they are so caught up in violence that the urgency is to separate, says Peter, often obliged to intervene. In this case, I send them each in their room saying we'll talk about when they will calmed down. " The adult intervention is perceived then by children as a way to protect them.
Better to avoid taking sides in the conflict, because the worst, for the rest, would give them the impression that our arbitration means a winner and a loser. However, once the dropout voltage, the parent can play the role of conciliator, listening to the grievances and feelings of children and helping to negotiate a solution acceptable to everyone.
"This is already a big step forward to achieve defuse relationships." Laurène chose to put more distance between her two children. She spends more time with each of them and promotes independent activities and outputs.
"These are not the best of friends, but I am relieved to see that they no longer seek to kill at the slightest pretext," she notes. Since she is more relaxed, Laurène notice they are too. A reflection to think about: parental model influenced primarily children. Avoid showing us in a rude or aggressive day.
Children may compete to attract the interest of parents. Take care not to promote this competition between siblings that is the source of enmity. Rather, whatever its difficulties, everyone must be assured of our loving attention. They have a strong need to feel unique to us.
Beware though not to lock in a fixed role we designate them or compare them. The love we give them unconditionally, they reverberate one day on their siblings.